Single and no kids - The middle aged Indian man taboo

I graduated a decade ago in engineering, although all my friends found good jobs in big companies, I somehow missed out, tried with call centre jobs but was never happy with the jobs I got , plus the Indian society puts a lot of pressure for you to perform even if you are a bad student, quit jobs that didn't find better opportunities but found a lot of disappointment and went into depression, I guess I got messed up psychologically,  moved to Canada, did a diploma, was sure to find better opportunities than India, that I did. Still, I have anxiety patterns which keep my thoughts bizarre sometimes, I guess I need time to get better.
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My parents think I will be a normal functioning unit of society, but I don't plan to have children , that's the way I think I will better, I do plan to date , I don't know whats wrong or maybe my previous relationships were bad enough to realize that this is not worth the effort .For the people in India who do read this, I plan to spend my weekends with myself, sleeping late, writings blogs, doing errands and whatever the hell I want to do. I do get loneliness triggers sometimes but I go for a bike ride or do something meaningful to keep my thoughts distracted.
But I totally don't regret being single and alone as compared to my other friends, their face book feed is filled with happiness and cultural activities, I, on the other hand, think a million times before posting anything. I do plan to find a life partner but my searches have been disappointing so far, I guess the good luck window gets shorter and shorter as you age. My twenties were a regret filled decade which other people were enjoying and keeping steady jobs.
I am still not sure what to do in future, sometimes I plan to learn more coding with QA automation to find a better career, sometimes I feel like moving to the country and doing a small time job which will keep me happy. I have realized so much of my problems are psychological and keep digging up mountains, one step at a time I guess. Getting a good partner is essential for your well being, I wish I had bought stocks for Bitcoin in 2010, I would be so mother fucking rich right now, money is a new religion, I want a rocket instead of walking to my riches.
Still, I feel Indian people should have fewer children, with the amount of pressure on resources is going, India is fucked in the upcoming decade or so, and no Modi can save it. Hell, the amount of competition India has is unhealthy and cruel in many ways.

Hello Depression, my unwanted friend, we meet again

This time it's reactive depression, my lead left when the project was about to release leaving me behind to do the dirty work. I am more of an introvert so I have a hard time saying no to people, that means delivering the product on time, however so. I did do that but the problem was a shitty product, I guess I didn’t realize that it would bite me in the end. Lots of support calls, leaving me wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, people keep blabbing it’s the team’s fault and it drives my anxiety like crazy, I can’t sleep at night, waking up early in the morning’s sometimes. Insomnia has taken in toll, sometimes anxiety just gets to me, I don’t know why, I guess I just have to make peace with the demons, just saying it’s alright my friend, we shall carry on. Weather too keeps the impact going, rain sometimes is a big bitch, don’t feel like going to the office.

                A new developer was hired in the company and he was a superstar, doing what nobody could, creating a product from the ground up. A competitive environment did breed anxiety and depression, I guess that is common, I felt like I had ADD, I forgot things people told me.  The problem is how to reach out for help, the psychiatrist will be contacted this weekend and may he help with whatever demons I have. Reach out people before it's too late, I think I am already too late, my demons have haunted me still a long time, but in India, it’s a stigma to talk about mental health. A billion people living in a shame because ‘log kya kahenge’. I have decided to pen down my thoughts every night, from whoever needs help, reach out, don’t be fucking shy, no more hiding, we shall carry on. ‘Calm your demons’, the voices inside my head are created by people around me, I guess they are just doing their job but I feel like a nut case if I don’t sleep.

                Write down your feelings, draw them out, I don’t care what you do, “JUST DO IT”, Scream, shout, take out the fucking anger.I do think about changing jobs but that is just a temporary solution, go to websites like patient.info , they help out a lot, write down your problems, don’t test out the uncharted waters alone, I did tell my friends, but they didn’t help. No one knows your burden like you do, I keep retracting like a detective to the day the depression started, the India vs Pak match where I lost excitement when India won the match and I felt no joy. Maybe I have PTSD, because I saw a close relative hanging, I have no fucking clue.

                Watched a ton of YouTube videos on depression, why it affects and how you should get treated, but professional help is the best help you’ll get. Doing the diagnosis alone is a bad idea, get your brain checked and analyzed, don’t try fixing it yourself. I used to wade out my depression by just sinking through, let it take its time, jumping jobs, I guess depression is the cause I switched jobs so fast, connecting the dots, LOL.

Till Death do me apart

Here I am, conjuring myself to write a blog after the sudden death of a close relative. Does it matter to me? Am I confused and dazed, it’s like a surreal feeling of numbness that I have gathered in my heart to pour on this blog post. Even when my close pet bird died I was so upset and angry, I guess it matters how close your circle is, but after a few weeks life carried on. What does death teach me about life, I am happy in the current cycle of life, do I want to be here if death was close on the heels, I have no clue, does family matter or will I die alone ?


What is the answer to this fruitful puzzle called life, I am just running in a rat race pretending to be better than the next guy, anxious and nervous about my next paycheck because I will buy a big home or a deluxe car just to show society that I am a winner in life. Society doesn’t care, I’ll be bored as a hippie, do I want to travel the world, find new places to visit, I’m much more of an introvert, I don’t know what I want, a psyche analysis of the brain might reveal the truth, but I have no idea.  Do I reinvent myself and be a new me, help people, I have no idea.

There are still some things I would like to pursue – love, the ultimate drug, high on love can get me past a few years till it begins to fade away. Be more in touch with people that helped me, I guess. I don’t know why this Feeling of nothing being worthwhile is still instilled in me, nothing seems worthwhile. I wish my neurons were more efficient in creating sparks so I could be happier. Exercise is the biggest motivator I have found but it goes away in winter so try and taking up new activities to energize yourself. Saying yes to life and pushing the thoughts of death away