This time it's reactive depression, my lead left when the project was about to release leaving me behind to do the dirty work. I am more of an introvert so I have a hard time saying no to people, that means delivering the product on time, however so. I did do that but the problem was a shitty product, I guess I didn’t realize that it would bite me in the end. Lots of support calls, leaving me wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, people keep blabbing it’s the team’s fault and it drives my anxiety like crazy, I can’t sleep at night, waking up early in the morning’s sometimes. Insomnia has taken in toll, sometimes anxiety just gets to me, I don’t know why, I guess I just have to make peace with the demons, just saying it’s alright my friend, we shall carry on. Weather too keeps the impact going, rain sometimes is a big bitch, don’t feel like going to the office.
A new developer was hired in the company and he was a superstar, doing what nobody could, creating a product from the ground up. A competitive environment did breed anxiety and depression, I guess that is common, I felt like I had ADD, I forgot things people told me. The problem is how to reach out for help, the psychiatrist will be contacted this weekend and may he help with whatever demons I have. Reach out people before it's too late, I think I am already too late, my demons have haunted me still a long time, but in India, it’s a stigma to talk about mental health. A billion people living in a shame because ‘log kya kahenge’. I have decided to pen down my thoughts every night, from whoever needs help, reach out, don’t be fucking shy, no more hiding, we shall carry on. ‘Calm your demons’, the voices inside my head are created by people around me, I guess they are just doing their job but I feel like a nut case if I don’t sleep.
Write down your feelings, draw them out, I don’t care what you do, “JUST DO IT”, Scream, shout, take out the fucking anger.I do think about changing jobs but that is just a temporary solution, go to websites like patient.info , they help out a lot, write down your problems, don’t test out the uncharted waters alone, I did tell my friends, but they didn’t help. No one knows your burden like you do, I keep retracting like a detective to the day the depression started, the India vs Pak match where I lost excitement when India won the match and I felt no joy. Maybe I have PTSD, because I saw a close relative hanging, I have no fucking clue.
Watched a ton of YouTube videos on depression, why it affects and how you should get treated, but professional help is the best help you’ll get. Doing the diagnosis alone is a bad idea, get your brain checked and analyzed, don’t try fixing it yourself. I used to wade out my depression by just sinking through, let it take its time, jumping jobs, I guess depression is the cause I switched jobs so fast, connecting the dots, LOL.
